Janeway pulled on her red tunic and picked up the phaser from the bench. Preparing for a Velocity match with Seven in the locker room, she promised herself she would not ask about her roommate no matter how much she wanted to. She left the room and went across the corridor to where the holodeck doors loomed, hoping that the physical challenge would result in her being able to sleep this night, something she hadn't been doing very well at all lately. Janeway noted that there was a program already running, but she didn't take note of whose or what it was, nor did she hesitate about activating the doors. This was the captain's period for R&R, a precious, very brief opportunity to relax and she was not going to allow for anyone going over their allotted holodeck time.

She faltered once she entered, feeling her heart rise in her throat as she saw Seven standing with the counselor in the center of the holodeck, the golden lines on the black walls of the empty, cavernous room making the figures look small. Between the two women, a holographic image of the Borg Queen seemed to stare contemptuously at the starship captain walking hesitantly towards them.

“Am I interrupting?” Janeway said, trying to make her voice even rather than one with the ragged edges of pain.

“I'm sorry, Captain,” Stone responded calmly. “I didn't mean to take so long. I was just taking the opportunity to speak with Seven.”

Seven raised an eyebrow as she looked at the captain. “The Counselor is trying to discover a link between myself and the queen. She feels that it does not make sense that the queen would attempt to recover me.”

“Nonetheless, that's exactly what happened,” Janeway noted, a bit more pointedly than she had intended. “After all, we were there and the counselor was not.”

A faint blush colored Stone's cheeks and her emerald eyes regarded Janeway with a flash of hurt that she did not quite manage to conceal in time. Janeway wished she could take the words back or at least make them sound less harsh than they had.

“In any event, we are studying the queen's motivations,” Seven said, apparently oblivious to the sudden tension which had just risen between the women. She glanced at the holographic figure. “She is a most intriguing being.”

Disturbed at what seemed like admiration coloring Seven's tone, Janeway frowned at her. “She tried to assimilate you, Seven.”

“Yet she did not. She seemed to feel that I was of great worth to the Collective.”

“You have great worth to this Collective,” Janeway said with a touch of desperation. Damn it, was she going to lose everything?

Seven regarded her, surprise lightening her eyes. “Thank you, Captain,” she said, a faint puzzlement in her tone. “I did not mean to imply that I preferred the Borg Collective to my Human one.”

“I'm glad to hear it,” Janeway said and wished she could get all these emotions swirling inside herself under control. She continued to overreact to the most innocuous statements and had to think very carefully before doing or saying anything lately. It was something she felt was not good for her command at all.

“Still,” Seven noted, glancing back at the hologram. “She is very efficient.”

Stone, who had been listening to this conversation intently, cleared her throat. “A dictatorship is always more efficient, Seven. Yet at the same time, that is its greatest weakness, making it static and unable to adapt swiftly to profound change. There is no challenge to the queen's rule, it is absolute, no questions asked.”

“Like Captain Janeway,” Seven noted brightly.

Janeway was stung. “I'm not a dictator, Seven,” she protested immediately. “Starfleet doesn't operate in that manner. I have authority as a captain, yes, but it is only because the crew is willing to follow me.”

“Ah, I see.” Seven did not seem convinced for some reason, staring at the captain with an odd expression. “How do you differ?”

“We just do,” Janeway said, feeling somewhat at a loss.

“I think it is time for me to leave,” Stone said then, quietly. “I apologize for cutting into your Velocity time, Captain. Computer, end program.”

The queen disappeared and Stone nodded politely to them both before making her exit. Seven, who was already dressed in her workout outfit, hefted her phaser and took up her position opposite Janeway who was still staring at the door that had closed behind the exiting counselor.

“Captain?”

Janeway forced herself to focus, looking over at Seven. She smiled weakly. “Sorry, Seven. Three out of five?”

“Acceptable,” Seven allowed. “Computer, begin Velocity match, best of five.”

Immediately a disk appeared in the air above them, flashed a bright red and shot off over the captain's head. Janeway raised her phaser, firing steadily and the match began.

Janeway was horrible. At least, that was the kindest thing that could be said about it. She could not keep her mind on the game, unable to avoid the easiest of Seven's shots or counter with anything approaching her normal skill as the Borg easily defeated her round after round. One game went so badly that it was 10 to 0 by the end of it, the captain ending up on her ass more than once as she tried to dodge the spinning disc but only rarely succeeded. When the match was finally, mercifully, over, Janeway mopped the sweat from her brow and drank deeply from her water bottle, very aware of Seven regarding her with curious intent.

“Captain, you...” she began.

Janeway held up a hand, forestalling it. “Yes, Seven,” she said wryly. “I played horrendously. I know.”

“May I ask why?” Seven queried in a gentle voice. “It seems quite uncharacteristic.”

Janeway bit her lip to stifle the first deeply sarcastic comment that sprang to her lips, one which would make no sense to Seven, nor allow her to appear the slightest bit dignified. She took a moment to breathe deeply.

“I'd rather you didn't,” she said finally, in a not so steady voice.

“Ah,” Seven said with understanding. “It was seeing the counselor.” She shook her head. “I do not believe I shall ever understand. You both love each other deeply, yet persist in remaining apart because of duty and professional distinction.” Seven hesitated, then added, “I do not believe a career keeps one warm at night.”

Startled by the very unusual comment coming from such an unexpected place, Janeway just stared at her. Seven raised an eyebrow, her eyepiece glinting in the muted illumination.

“Am I incorrect?”

A muscle in Janeway's jaw twitched. “No,” she said finally. “You're right, it doesn't keep you warm at night. But sometimes that's not as important as doing what's best for the ship. Personally, it is only the counselor and myself that's involved. Professionally, it's the entire crew. One must take priority over the other.”

Seven considered that. “That is also what Counselor Stone believes, but I fail to see how either of you are correct in this assessment. All I perceive is both of you in pain which is an inefficient way to exist. Both for you and the crew.”

Janeway did not have a ready answer to this. If she did, perhaps she could find a way for her and Sydney to be together. As it stood, she had to find her way alone, just as she had for so many years before the counselor arrived on board.

 

The weekly staff meeting was a great deal livelier than normal, perhaps because the crew was fully involved with the new adaptations and organizational protocols which were being put in place to allow Voyager to become a generational ship. Counselor Stone had delivered her latest evaluation on the best possible way to present the limitations on the crew and now was sitting back, listening to the rest of the senior staff present their reports.

Now, the Doctor was now going over the plans he had made to allow for more pediatric and obstetric sub-routines in his holographic matrix. He was his normal, smug, self-satisfied self while discussing it and the counselor could see that the captain was not accepting it as graciously as she normally did, frowning darkly at certain points, though aside from Stone, no one seemed to notice it. After an interminable time, the Doctor finally finished and Neelix went into his extensive plans to provide various baby foods and meals designed for the children's appetite, citing his history with trying to find things Naomi Wildman would enjoy.

Janeway's eyes intersected Stone's at one point and the counselor felt their intensity stab into her. For the most part, the two women tried to avoid looking at each other directly and when they did, it was like a tiny piece of Sydney's soul was torn away every time. Sometimes she thought that Janeway was equally damaged by the inadvertent glances, flinching slightly before she looked away.

Stone castigated herself for allowing Janeway to rush her into their co-habitation. She had known something was wrong but rather than get to the bottom of it, she let her own feelings and desires sweep her up. Not necessarily unusual for her when it came to romance, but she had to remember she was not back in the Alpha Quadrant now. There was no easy request for transfer when things didn't work out, no quick fix of taking leave when she required distance between her and a lover. She wondered if that was part of the problem as well. Janeway and crew had spent almost six years adjusting to being so far away from the Federation and home. Stone, on the other hand, was just beginning her adaptation.

It was the little things, Sydney noted idly. The need to ration replicators, the lack of leave because after all, where would she go and how would she get back to her ship? No more familiar space stations or planets to drop by casually just to look up old acquaintances. The inability to contact home, family and friends. Stone couldn't count how many times something would happen in her daily routine and she would make a mental note to put it into the personal letters she used to write every week to her mentor Vorak on the USS Liberty. But of course, there were no more letters to Vorak or her family, and every time that reality made itself clear, the same feeling of sick isolation would fill her again.

She had never been able to speak with anyone in depth about this, perhaps because they had already gone through it, had put it behind them, and even Kathryn found it a hard subject to discuss. Or maybe it was especially Kathryn, because she continued to blame herself on some level for Voyager still being in the Delta Quadrant after all these years. She seemed extremely sensitive to any topic that brought up the isolation they were in, and Stone had to struggle with it on her own. Of all the crew, Stone found that only Seven seemed to have some understanding of it. Perhaps because she too had been severed from all she had known so recently.

Stone blinked and forced herself away from these thoughts as she so often did, focusing her attention on Harry Kim who was describing the new renovations to cargo bay two, including sectioning off the Borg alcoves so that no children would have access and Seven would have a proper amount of privacy when she regenerated as she still did a few hours each week. Stone thought it was about time and wondered why it hadn't been done from the beginning which would have afforded Seven her own space immediately.

She noticed that Janeway was fidgeting slightly and had to make a visible effort to stop. It was clear to the counselor that Janeway did not like her vessel being turned into a floating daycare center despite her stated intentions to make Voyager a generational ship. Stone wondered what it was that was really bothering the captain. The loss of control? Or the fact that by turning Voyager into a ship where children were being brought into it, it was an acknowledgment of failure. That they were not going to get back to the Federation any time soon.

This last thought was a revelation and Stone found herself studying it from all angles. Was that the key? she thought with excitement. Perhaps she had been looking at this all wrong. Perhaps it wasn't a matter of Janeway not wanting to give up control so much as it was a last-ditch struggle against what could be perceived as her own failure to get her people home.

“Why didn't you use my recommendations,” Janeway said then, the angry edge in her tone startling Stone out of her musings and she looked up, blinking.

The captain was staring at B'Elanna who had apparently been giving her report. The chief engineer looked astounded by the captain's question.

“I went over them, Captain,” she said. “But with all due respect, my engineering team came up with a better way of doing it.”

“Then why didn't you inform me,” Janeway said, her voice a full two degrees chillier.

Lt. Torres blinked. “I didn't know I had to,” she responded and now there was a touch of anger in her voice as well.

Stone straightened abruptly in her chair. She knew B'Elanna and her team had been pulling double shifts the past week or so to make the necessary changes to the power grid so that the new renovated areas of the ship were receiving more allocation of energy for increased integrity fields. Where once cargo bay two could have been considered a less crucial area of the ship and was hence, less protected, now it would be a priority section that would have greater shield strength. B'Elanna was tired, and that made her cranky and the last thing Janeway should be doing was provoking a cranky Klingon.

“I need to be kept informed when you make changes,” Janeway said icily.

Stone caught her breath. The rest of the senior staff was starting to sense the tension and were glancing at each other uneasily. Lt. Torres's jaw was setting itself into rigid stubbornness while Janeway's eyes were beginning to glitter unpleasantly.

“Do you want to come down and hold my hand too?” Torres asked snarkily, crossing her arms over her chest. “I know what I'm doing, Captain.”

A muscle jumped in Janeway's jaw and she frowned. “Lt. Torres, when I send down recommendations, I expect them to be carried out,” she said in that deceptively mild tone she got whenever she was furious. “If they're not, then I need to know when and why.”

Apparently, Torres either did not know that warning signal or was too angry herself to care.

“Look, if you don't like the way I'm doing my job, then by all means, feel free to replace me,” she retorted in the cocky sort of tone that indicated she knew exactly how good she was and how little Voyager could afford to lose her.

The rest of the staff who had been observing this with the same fascinated horror they would give a struggle between a cobra and a mongoose, seemed to draw back at this, pressing into their chairs.

“No one is irreplaceable, Lieutenant,” Janeway said between clenched teeth.

“Enough!” Stone said finally in a deadly quiet tone, after having waited for Chakotay to step in as first officer which he didn't do. He seemed as paralyzed as the rest. Stone froze both combatants with her best Commander Counselor gaze. “We've all been working very hard the past few weeks and fatigue is starting to take its toll. Perhaps a certain amount of downtime is in order.”

There was a strained pause and surprisingly it was Neelix who took the initiative. “I concur, Counselor,” he said hastily. “Perhaps a party?” He hesitated then his golden eyes seemed to light up. “A baby shower for the new parents!”

Stone nodded though she kept the corner of her eye on the captain who seemed almost to collapse in on herself.

“That's a good idea,” Janeway said with little outward indication of how difficult that was. She nodded briefly at B'Elanna who was looking embarrassed as if not sure how she had come to snap at the captain. “Lieutenant, of course I have complete faith in your abilities.” It was the closest thing to an apology B'Elanna would get and she seemed to know it.

“Thank you, Captain,” she said quietly. “I should have come to you when I knew we were going in a different direction.” Not that she would in the future, Stone noted with a bit of wry amusement, just that she allowed that perhaps the captain thought she should.

They left it at that and the rest of the meeting didn't so much end as it faded away, no one having anything left to say. Mercifully, Janeway dismissed them and Stone raised an eyebrow as she saw how hastily everyone vacated the premises. She was startled when Janeway caught her eye.

“Counselor, a moment,” the captain said in a subdued tone.

Stone tried to quell the flutters in her stomach which suddenly appeared and remained in her chair until the door had hissed shut behind the last of the other senior staff members.

“Captain?”

“What did you think you were doing?”

Stone bit back the first reply that sprang to her lips. For once, the question didn't seem challenging. Instead, it was puzzled, almost as if Janeway didn't quite understand what had just happened.

Stone inhaled slowly. “I felt that long hours and overwork was affecting the Chief Engineer's judgement,” she said, then added delicately. “And the Captain's. It seemed that the conversation was deteriorating rapidly and that if someone didn't interrupt, things would have been said that could be considered unwise.”

“I see,” Janeway said. She raised her head and Stone saw a hint of emotion flare across the level grey eyes. “Don't you feel I'm capable of running my ship efficiently?”

Stone felt very weary suddenly.

“Of course, I do,” she said, standing up. She picked up her padd and regarded the captain evenly. “As I told Seven, a dictatorship is always the most efficient form of governing.”

She left before the tears she was feeling spilt over, her heart breaking at the stricken expression that had shattered the command mask of the woman staring bleakly at her, but knowing that she could do no more now. Until Janeway asked for help, it was out of her hands. She could only wait for Janeway to come to her.

Or face the eventual day when she would be forced by her position to remove Janeway from the captaincy if she could not bring herself to understand that she was sliding irrevocably into utter tyranny.

 

Captain Kathryn Janeway wandered aimlessly through the corridors of her ship, not exactly sure where she was going, only knowing that she needed to stay on the move, needed to work off this deep malaise which threatened to drown her. She could have stayed in her quarters, of course, just as she had that time her ship had been trapped in the void but something inside told her that if she repeated it now, there would be no way she'd be able to escape the dark depression, not this time. She hesitated next to the holodeck, wondering if a little mindless downtime would help her any. She was disappointed to see that it was already in use and curiously, she keyed the readout to determine if it would be for much longer.

Her heart spasmed as she saw Stone's identification on the user indicator and that the counselor was running a program called 'Shadow'. Janeway knew that was the holo-program of the Arabian horse Stone had when she was a girl growing up on a ranch in the foothills of the Canadian Rockies. She derived a pleasure from riding that Janeway always found somewhat unfathomable.

For a second, the hurt caught Janeway in a vise grip, threatening to choke off her breath, squeezing her heart painfully. She remembered all too well how Sydney would return from one of her holo-programs, her green eyes dancing with laughter and how many times she had asked Janeway to participate the next time. Janeway had always begged off, citing work or duty and now she wondered why. Would it really have hurt her to try something that Stone seemed to enjoy so much? Certainly, Seven had and her intellectual precision had found something of worth in them because she kept going back into the programs. How was it that a Borg understood the importance of sharing, when she was so bad at it?

Involuntarily, not sure what she was doing, Janeway activated the doors and entered the holodeck. She stepped into a bright sunny day, the exit shutting behind her with a solid thunk and disappearing behind the illusion. She was on a ridge, looking down into a valley of green meadow, the silver line of stream winding its way languidly through it. Mountains, purple, majestic, loomed over her and she could see the snowcapped peaks slashing through the rock. There was a bit of a breeze, bringing with it the scent of fir and pine and Janeway thought that whoever had designed this had been very good. She didn't think it had been Stone, since the Counselor was hopelessly inept when it came to technical things, but of course, it didn't take much to have a personalized program made.

Janeway knew that Stone's meager belongings salvaged from the Athena had included a lot of holo programs, no doubt utilized when the battleship made port every three months or so. The amount of detail in this scenario was incredible, and included the things that less skilled programmers frequently left out, like the subliminal whine of insects, the subtle scents of earth and dust, and the way moving air caressed a body. It was all complete to the last sensation.

Janeway shaded her eyes in the almost uncomfortable brightness, searching the area before finally spotting the black speck that was the Counselor on the other side of the valley. Of course, Janeway knew that was all an optical trick played by the computer utilizing reflective light images and gravimetric fluxes to simulate the scenario and that the woman was really only a few yards away, but she still wondered if Stone had noticed her arrival. Janeway thought that there was still time to leave, still time to prevent ... to prevent what?

She still wasn't sure as, with an unmistakable fluttering in her midsection, she saw the horse and rider turn in her direction, galloping across the valley towards the ridge. The magnificent animal splashed through the stream in a silver spray and thundered up the hill through the long grass, Stone clinging naturally to its back as if she'd been born there.

Janeway linked her hands behind her, perhaps hoping that their trembling would not be as apparent there. She could smell the large equine as it came to a stop in front of her, tossing its head and dancing in place. It was pure black with the proud lines and head of its breed, its nostrils flaring red and wide as it regarded her.

Yes, the programmer had indeed, been very good.

Stone dismounted slowly, the creak of the black leather and silver detailed saddle sounding plainly in the cool air. She was dressed in shirt and trousers, both made from a blue, denim type material that was still popular casual wear even in the 24th century, although they were rarely found on starships. Her boots, sharply pointed, were black and decorated with odd embroidered designs, and perched on her head, was a matching black hat with a wide brim curving at the sides.

“Captain,” Stone said calmly, holding the reins as she patted the animal's neck. Obviously, it was a habit rather than the knowledge that the holographic horse would benefit from it.

“Counselor,” Janeway returned the formal greeting in a somewhat rusty voice. She swallowed, hoping the action would clear away the lump lodged there.

There was a pause as they regarded each other, neither apparently knowing what to say next.

“Can I help you...”

“I need to speak...”

They both began at the same time, stopped, then motioned the other to go first, clearly uncomfortable.

“You first,” Stone said gently.

Janeway wished she had beaten the counselor to the offer. “I needed to speak with you.”

Stone seemed to consider that for a few moments, studying her intently. “I see.”

Janeway was lost, desperately seeking the words. “I think I need to talk about ... this,” she said finally. She hesitated. “Can we?”

Stone inclined her head. “We always could, Kathryn,” she said softly. “I was your friend before I was your lover. I'm sorry if that got lost in all that happened.” She flipped the reins over her saddle horn and her mount obligingly moved off, cropping hungrily at the lush, rich grass underfoot. Stone motioned at some boulders nearby. “Have a seat.”

Janeway sat down uneasily on the smooth rock and stared out at the expansive vista laid out before her.

“Is this your home?”

Stone, who was sitting beside her, patiently waiting for her, nodded briefly. “Yes. This is a valley up behind our ranch.” She pointed to the hill at one end of the valley, that was higher still than the one they were on. “If you cross that ridge, our ranch would be just on the other side.” She hesitated. “I don't ride over the ridge too often.”

The sadness of the voice touched Janeway and she abruptly realized that she wasn't the only one missing home desperately. It gave her the courage to speak when otherwise she might not have.

“Why is everyone giving up?” she blurted.

Stone became very still beside her. “Is that what you think is happening?”

“They don't believe I can get them home,” Janeway said bitterly. “They've surrendered the fight.”

Stone was silent for a moment. “I don't think they've surrendered the fight, exactly, Kathryn,” she said slowly. “Perhaps they just need something more to fight for, something beyond themselves.”

Uncomprehendingly, Janeway looked at the other woman. “I don't understand,” she whispered. “I don't understand any of this. It's tearing me up inside and I'm starting to take it out on my crew. It's not their fault ... I just ... it's like they've finally given up on me. I've totally failed them.”

Stone blinked. “I suspect if you ask, you would find that they believe you're the only reason Voyager is still here, still intact and able to make the journey home.”

“I don't think they want to get home anymore,” the captain said sadly. “They're settling down, making a life here. Sometimes weeks can go by without Earth or the Federation even being mentioned.”

“And you think that means the crew no longer wants to return to Earth?”

“Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one still trying.”

Stone nodded, as if this bit of information had just filled in the final piece for a pattern she had been creating.

“So that's why you work harder, demand more,” Stone agreed. “Try to cover all the details that you're afraid are getting lost, that others might be overlooking.”

“Making all the decisions,” Janeway said softly, wonderingly. “Being the dictator.”

Stone smiled briefly with wry amusement. “Well, on your way, in any event.”

“I don't know how to stop these feelings of helplessness,” Janeway admitted. “How to keep control of my ship.”

“Perhaps the best way of keeping control is by letting go, Kathryn.”

“And never get home?”

“No,” Stone said gently. “Let others help you get Voyager home.” Janeway stared at her blankly and Stone took a breath. “Do you remember how I once told Seven how she still had the 'voices'? How even though she was no longer in the Collective, there were still many voices that made up her new collective, yours, mine, B'Elanna's, Tuvok's?”

Janeway nodded, struggling to understand. She realized Stone was trying to help her figure this out and she curbed her impatience at the seemingly indirect method. She didn't realize that perhaps she was resisting what was right in front of her so hard, a direct approach would not get through.

“They would all be different things to her just as she would be different things to them. That works for all of us, Kathryn, including you. None of us are alone unless we choose to be. We are, but one element within the society we build. We can all be many things to each other, captain, crewmember, friend, lover, spouse, mother, father, daughter, son. All pieces of one complete pattern.”

“I've always believed that working together, we would get home,” Janeway protested weakly. “But I think I'm the only one who still believes that.”

“Because of the new baby boom,” Stone noted quietly.

“They're settling down.”

“No, we're ensuring that a piece of us will get home, eventually,” Stone pointed out. “None of the couples want to pick out a planet and set up housekeeping, Kathryn. I know the Dawsons threw that out as an option but the truth is, we've passed several advanced planets in the past three months where a child could easily be raised in conditions comparable to the Federation, and yet, the Dawsons remained on Voyager. They want to go home, Kathryn and furthermore, they want their children to go home.”

Janeway stared at her, wanting to believe but still hesitant.

“Tell me, how much motivation do you think it would it be to want your child to see the Grand Canyon where you spent your honeymoon backpacking?” Stone added, trying it from another angle.

“The Dawsons?” Janeway guessed.

Stone nodded. She looked thoughtful, as if trying to find a more precise way to explain this, one that would not be so indirect.

“Kathryn, how much harder does Samantha Wildman work because Naomi is here?”

Janeway leaned back, feeling the sun's warmth start to penetrate her bones, a chill inside her starting to dissipate as she considered the ensign who had conceived in the Alpha Quadrant and until now, was the only mother on the ship. She thought she was beginning to understand vaguely what Stone was driving at.

“If I had ten more just like her, that would be all that was needed to run the whole ship,” Janeway admitted with a touch of dry amusement. “She's far more protective of her staff, finds faster ways to do things so that she can spend time with her daughter and in almost six years, has always had her reports in on time, probably the only person other than Tuvok on the ship that I can say that about.”

“You know, she's the one that keeps talking about Earth,” Stone pointed out. “Naomi couldn't care less.”

“Nor Seven,” Janeway said fretfully.

“So, we, as the elders of the tribe, have to instill in them that sense of home,” Stone told her. “Sometimes I think we like to talk about it more than we like to experience it.” She looked around at the mountains. “I'm the only one on board who runs a simulation of home even though practically everyone has one.”

“It hurts too much,” Janeway said, thinking of her own Indiana program that was figuratively gathering dust in the ship's data banks, not having been accessed for well over five years.

“But you let that fear of possible hurt rule you,” Stone said gently. “All the crew does. But Kathryn, how can our children know what Earth's like just from mere words? Seven has to stand on it and feel it in her bones as we describe it to her. Even though she wasn't born there, has in fact, never actually set foot on the place, you can still show it to her, live it with her. She needs to see what everyone, including her parents the first six years of her life, is describing to her. That could be your voice to her, an extremely vital one.”

Janeway considered it, analyzing what the counselor was trying to say to her. She understood that if she looked at it the way Sydney was explaining then that meant the rest of the crew wasn't giving up after all. And that she had set fire to some bridges by believing that. The question was, could she save those bridges, rebuild them once more?

“And what can my voice be to you?” Janeway asked softly. “Or do you even want to hear it anymore?”

 

The unexpected question threw Stone, Janeway saw. The woman had been in full counselor mode and now she was jolted out of it, staring back at her in a combination of confusion and hurt. Janeway was torn, wishing she had never spoken the words yet needing to know the answer to her query with an intensity that almost left her faint. Stone needed a few moments to compose herself, breathing deeply.

“You're the voice of my heart,” Sydney said finally. “The one I should always have been listening to.” She looked vaguely confused as if she were exploring a new line of reasoning. “I think. I'm beginning to realize that maybe it was wrong for me to move out. By doing so, I not only lost your voice to me, I deprived you of mine.”

“What is your voice to me?” Janeway asked unsteadily.

“Your lover, your friend, the woman who sees when you're hurting and holds you tight, keeping you safe from it while helping you through it. Yet, the last part is also my role for the captain to a certain extent and that's the one we're both having trouble with.”

“Which brings us full circle,” Janeway said with a touch of despair.

“Perhaps,” Stone said slowly. “But full circle can also mean a new beginning.”

Janeway inhaled slowly. “I don't know.”

Stone regarded her, tilting her head slightly. “What do you hear from my voice, Kathryn? Honestly.”

Janeway did not answer right away, making an honest effort to look deep into her heart.

“You frighten me.”

“Why?”

“Because you know everything about me,” Janeway said. “Why I do the things I do, what I'm going to do two months down the road.” She bowed her head. “Why I make such a mess of things.”

Stone was obviously surprised by this and she seemed to be searching for the right thing to say. “You didn't always believe that,” she said finally. “When I first arrived, when I had been working myself into the ground, you could see what I couldn't and you made me get some rest. More importantly, you made me talk about the Athena and Callie and what I missed. Kathryn, you once asked, who counsels the counselor? The answer has always been you, the captain and my partner, both professionally and personally. You're supposed to be the most important voice in my life.”

Janeway realized that she had somehow forgotten that time, and now she remembered how vulnerable Stone had been. Was that when she first fell in love with her?

“And you're supposed to be mine,” Janeway said slowly. “Professionally and personally. But only if I listen to it.” She paused. “I'm sorry, Sydney.”

Stone sighed and shook her head. “You're just trying to find your way, Kathryn,” she said. “And rather than stand my ground and tell you that no matter how many times I needed to repeat it, I ran. But we need all our voices.”

“Do I have so many?” Janeway asked dryly.

“Oh yes,” Stone explained, her head tilted slightly. “Especially, your senior staff. You need to let the Doctor and Chakotay fight with you. You need to let Tom and Harry be stupid and not try to protect them all the time. You need to let B'Elanna be Klingon sometimes and Neelix be Talaxian. You need to let Seven be Borg and challenge all your perceptions. In the end, that will allow me to grant you my professional voice, the haven of calm, quiet support.”

“I thought that was Tuvok's part,” Janeway noted.

“He's the calm voice of logic, Kathryn,” Stone noted. “As your lover, I provide the calm voice of emotion. Plus, you have to learn to provide that voice for me as well, not just as my captain, but as my partner.”

Janeway noted how that made her quiver inside though she tried not to show it. Stone was still speaking in the present tense and the captain was amazed at how warm that made her feel inside.

“I do want to be your voice,” she admitted.

“I want you to be,” Stone responded softly.

Janeway noticed that somehow, Stone had moved closer. Or had she been sitting that close all along and she was just noticing it now?

“Seven can be an important voice for you as well,” Stone added. She looked away, a smile playing about her lips. “Just as she's becoming a very important voice for me. But strong emotion still makes her uncomfortable. Do you really need the 'fight', Kathryn?”

Janeway thought about it. “I need passion,” she said finally. “The sense that others care enough to fight for something, even if it means going through me to get it. But Seven has passion. In fact, I think that's why I tried to take her from the Collective in the first place. Even as a drone, she was so angry with us. So angry with me.”

Stone looked back at her, eyes soft and uncertain. “It's the same sort of passion you bring to things. You need to feel it from people yet at the same time, you're afraid that it makes you vulnerable.”

“Doesn't it?”

Stone examined that thought. “It can. Very often, our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. For example, mine is the ability to accept the most incredible things with cool reserve. It's what makes me a good counselor.” She glanced shyly over at Janeway. “But perhaps there are moments when I should yell at my lover like I really care about whatever's wrong, then grab her and kiss her until she passes out.”

Janeway needed a second to find her breath after that. She looked up into the azure sky dotted with fluffy white clouds, leaning back on her elbows. “Why didn't we discuss this before?”

Stone was contemplative. “I think because we were too busy falling in love. Yet, once we got involved, for some unknown reason, I stopped confiding in you about how I was feeling about the ship and my situation. I should have insisted even when you didn't seem comfortable with it. Perhaps then, you wouldn't have felt that I was keeping so much from you. Maybe you were right.” She shook her head mournfully. “Maybe I was looking for an excuse to distance myself.”

“I never meant to make you feel like I didn't want to listen to your problems. Sydney, I do understand why you couldn't tell me about Edison and Wallace. I'm sorry I got so angry.”

Stone sighed. “I should have gotten angry back,” she agreed softly. “Impressed upon you the importance of why I couldn't.” She brought her feet up onto the boulder, wrapping her arms around her knees. “Kathryn, you need to trust me. And I need to be able to trust you.”

“I know,” Janeway admitted. “I guess I forgot that trust works both ways. More than anything, I realize how disrespectful it was, how horribly I acted, both to you and my crew. They deserve the right to confidentiality.”

“We all do, Kathryn,” Stone said. “Especially out here where there is so little privacy.”

Janeway watched a speck slowly circle high above her and wondered if it was a hawk or an eagle. Certainly, it inspired a sense of freedom within her and ironically, a loneliness. “So, where does that leave us?”

“Where would you like it to leave us?” Stone said and for some reason, Janeway didn't think her voice had the same calm reason it had contained only seconds earlier. It afforded Janeway a sort of courage.

“Together,” Janeway said slowly. “Maybe we won't be able to find a way to balance the professional and personal all the time. But we certainly won't be balancing it while we're apart like this.”

“No,” Stone agreed after a moment. “Not apart.”

Janeway dared to glance over at her. “I do love you,” she said with honest intent.

Stone's face went soft and sweet, not dispassionate at all. “I love you, too.”

Janeway looked back up at the sky, feeling tears well and blinking them back furiously. “Now what,” she asked huskily. She sensed Stone moving closer still.

“Can I kiss you?” the counselor asked hesitantly.

“Only if you mean it,” Janeway responded unsteadily.

“Oh, Kathryn, I do mean it,” Stone whispered, only a breath away. “With all my heart.”

Janeway shifted her gaze to look at the other woman's face, so very close to hers and closed that infinitely tiny distance remaining between them. Stone's lips were soft and sweet, just as she remembered and it felt as if she had finally found a tiny speck of light in the darkness which had been surrounding her. She reached up with her hand, tangling it in the dark hair, bringing Sydney's head tighter to her, deepening the kiss and felt the light get brighter, seeming to fill her. It was several moments before they managed to part and Janeway regarded her with a vulnerable expression, feeling as if her insides were completely on display for this woman.

Stone looked at her and her lips curled in a half grin, running her knuckles gently along the line of Janeway's cheek.

“Ever ride a horse, Kathryn?”

Startled by the apparent change of subject, Janeway frowned. I'm not comfortable with animals that are larger than I am.”

Stone slid off the boulder and reached over, taking Janeway's hand in hers. “It's just a big old herbivore.” She pulled Janeway across to where the holographic animal was grazing, Janeway stumbling along with the greatest reluctance.

“I don't think so,” she said hesitantly, looking up at the animal that seemed to tower above her.

“Please. For me,” Stone urged softly beside her.

Startled once more, Janeway looked over at her, realizing it was the first time Sydney had asked for anything like this. Before, when Janeway had begged off, Stone merely raised an eyebrow and accepted it. Now she was looking at her with an expression that was almost pleading.

“Why is this important?” Janeway asked curiously.

Stone regarded her. “Because, this is one of my passions, Kathryn, and I want you to share it, even if it's only this one time. Sometimes you just can't be told something. Sometimes you just have to feel it.”

Janeway stared at her a bit longer, then turned, reaching up for the saddle horn and putting her foot into the stirrup. Stone helped her up, then mounted behind her, her arms wrapped warmly around her waist. She leaned forward, her lips brushing against Janeway's ear.

“Let me show you how to ride the wind, Kathryn.”

And together on a horse as black as night, they galloped off into the setting sun.

 

Epilogue

 

Seven exited her bedroom when she heard the outer door hiss, hoping to discover why Stone had been out all night. It wasn't that she was particularly worried but it was unusual for Stone now that she and Janeway were at odds. She did not like to think that Sydney was having trouble sleeping and had to spend time in the holodeck to exhaust herself physically in order to go to bed.

She raised an eyebrow when she saw her. Something was different, she could sense though she lacked the necessary life experience to determine what exactly. Stone seemed dazed, but pleasantly so, almost as if something had happened that she was not quite sure about but was appreciative of nonetheless.

“Counselor?”

Stone looked at her and smiled broadly, her emerald eyes lighting up. “Seven,” she returned happily.

Seven tilted her head. “May I ask what has happened?”

The smile, impossibly, got even wider. “What makes you think something happened?” Stone countered and her tone was remarkably playful, completely unlike it had been for a long time.

Seven linked her hands firmly behind her back and regarded the woman evenly. “You are smiling. That is something that has been very rare lately.” Something prompted her to add, “As rare as it is for me.”

“A joke, Seven?” Stone said with a small laugh. “I'm impressed.”

Seven remained silent, waiting patiently and Stone lowered her saddle onto its rack in the corner of the living area.

“All right, something did happen.” Stone shot her a mischievous glance. “You're becoming very good at this.”

“Thank you,” Seven remarked, realizing that had not answered her question and she continued to regard Stone expectantly.

Stone finally gave in. “Kathryn and I had a very interesting ... discussion.”

“Ah,” Seven noted with surprise. “Did you copulate?”

“Believe it or not, Seven, there's more to a romantic relationship than just that. No, we didn't. But I think we're finally getting back on track a bit.”

Seven thought about this. “I am glad,” she said after a moment. “It hurts me to see you both so unhappy and now I find I am happy that you have found a way to settle your differences.” She paused. “Will you be moving back in with her?”

Stone grinned ruefully. “We're going to take our time with that one.” She nudged Seven in the stomach as she passed her on the way to the replicator. “Boy, you're anxious to get rid of me.”

Seven lifted an eyebrow. “Not at all.” She hesitated again, then added in a hopeful tone. “But will you be moving out soon?”

Stone stared at her, then abruptly burst into laughter. “You're teasing me,” she said with some astonishment and a great deal of gratification. She shook her head. “Well, I've certainly provided you with enough material lately.”

Seven lowered herself into the nearest chair. “What will you and the captain do now?”

Stone contemplated the jar she had replicated. “Get to know each other again,” she admitted in a soft voice. “Perhaps in a way we didn't the first time around.”

“That sounds ... appropriate.”

“Yes.” Stone leaned over and kissed Seven on the cheek. “Thanks for putting up with me, my friend,” she said, cupping the narrow chin in her palm. “I needed it.”

Seven was warmed. “I was happy to ... assist.”

Stone straightened and headed for the door.

“Where are you going?” Seven asked, confused knowing that Stone had just returned home.

“I have to go to the captain's quarters.”

Seven quirked an eyebrow. “Now you will copulate.”

Stone offered her an expression of rueful chagrin. “No, actually I have to give this to Kathryn,” she admitted, displaying the jar. “I forgot what happens the first time you ride a horse.”

Seven thought back to her first experience in the holodeck when Sydney was teaching her to ride and how she felt for days afterwards, particularly in one area of her anatomy. Now Seven recognized the jar for exactly what it was and she smiled briefly as Stone disappeared out the door. She wondered how long it would be before the captain could resume her seat on the bridge.

Or anyplace else for that matter.

 

The End